Texting Turns to Sexting Turns to Jesting: A Boy Named Diamond

Back in May of 2009, I was cleaning and organizing a Professor's office and recieved a text message from an unknown number. As the gangsta' I am, I rolled with it. What follows is the exact transcript of my intereaction via text with one named Diamond. This really, really, really did happen and is one of three things in my life I can confidently claim I played it out right.


Unknown Text Message: Whatcha doing red? Speak on it k


B$: Red? You must have the wrong number. This is B$


Unknown Text Message: R u a female?


B$: Well, how can you tell if a female is a lady and a woman?


Unknown Text Message: A lady r woman thats all


B$: Well, how can you tell if a female is a lady and a woman?


Unknown Text Message: I can by her conversation & body language??


B$: I'm just making sure you're not sexist. The term woman is problematic because its meaning is derived by abstraction, by saying I know what a woman is because it is not a man. Know what i'm saying player?


Diamond: Dam u deep da mental dept I am happy punch n ur accidentally my name diamond an ur??


B$: Diamond, you can call me b$...B money.


Diamond: k iam a 6 3 musclebound man wt 235 and u


B$: Well, unless I decide to switch teams, ain't no use giving you my stats.


(thirty minutes pass with no text from Diamond)


B$: Where'd you go?


(twenty minutes later)


Diamond: Like that answer can we start a txt friendship huh


B$: Of course. Just don't get weird, Ok?


Diamond: Wat bout smooth huh can I get smooth wit u huh


B$: If you got it you can bring it.


Diamond: Is that a challenge?


B$: Boy, I already told you I ain't into men. You trying something funny?


Diamond: No I am not iam cool wit ur sexual preference?


B$: Where you from?


Diamond: Kansas City


B$: Really? I used to live just north of grandview. I loved kc mo.


Diamond: Small world huh


(After looking up his number online, I discover it's a OKC phone number and belongs to a Noble address.)


B$: How'd you end up in noble and okc?


Diamond: College


(This ends the first day of texting)


(The Next Day)


Diamond: Whatch doing?


B$: Working.


Diamond: Can you txt abit


B$: Yeah. I'm just cleaning out my professor's office. Filing and such.


Diamond: Dam u intelleuctally i like that


B$: Well, I do my best to seem smart. What are you up to?


Diamond: Q? Wats da mst common miconception people hve people have about u speak on it


Diamond: Wats is ur long term goal?


Diamond: Wht was it lke 2 grow up


B$: Slow down. Those are some difficult questions.


B$: Growing up was rough. I want to be a teacher in 5 years. The misconception is that i've got my shit together.


Diamond: Not 4 a intellectual woman? I u can wlk & chw bubble at da sametime huh now speak on it jst tying 2 make small talk???


Diamond: Having ur 2gether is a accomplishment? Not negativity u feel me I hope so


B$: Oh, I hear you, but who ever said I was a woman?


B$: I'm a dude. Thought you knew.


B$: Diamond, Does this mean we can't be texting friends anymore? Is this because i'm a man?


Diamond: R u ga y? Dnt lie?


B$: No i'm not gay. That's why I said I do'nt play for that team when you told me you were a male, 235, muscular. I thought you were queer when you said you were cool with my sexuality. And you said your name was diamond. I said my name was b money. How many gays call themselves b money? How many gays call themselves diamond? Look, i'm totally fine being friends even if you're gay. Makes no difference to me, but you'll never turn me, no matter how smooth you can talk. Let's just be texting friends. Ok?


(Diamond never texted me back.)